Exhaustion.

48 hours of being, 6 hours of sleep. My dearest, darlingest baby kitten, Arlie Faye, has leukemia and will probably either die on her own or have to be put down in the next week or so. For those of you who know me, I'm a bleeding heart when it comes to animals. This is ripping me apart. In addition, I've managed to pull or strain some muscle in my leg (again) and dance is not pleasant right now. Which sucks, seeing as its competition season. The guy I'm crazy for is avoiding me at the moment, as he will continue to do, perhaps indefinitely. Which also sucks. And spiritually, I'm...bone dry. I feel as though I've completely lost touch with my Daddy God, and I'm doubting everything I believe. Talk about spiritual warfare. Needless to say, its been a rough week. Its Monday, but I didn't have school today. So tomorrow is (essentially) Monday. And we all know how awful Mondays can be. I'm tired, stressed, worrie sick, and downright frustrated with life. But. God is good. No matter how much I'm struggling with my faith right now, I HAVE to believe that.

There is a verse in Matthew that my English teacher shared with my class. She shared it in the Message version, and it really encouraged me and gave me so much peace. Here it is in both the NIV and the Message forms:

NIV:
28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

MESSAGE:
28-30"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."


Wow. That first part (tired, worn out, burned out) is exactly what I'm feeling right now. I love how God knows me. Every time I have one of my little burn out/panic/frustration/anxiety attacks, He just reminds me of this verse. His burden is light. He doesn't want to load me up with more than I can handle, he wants to show me how to truly live. Such a relief. There's also a song by Tenth Avenue North (definitely one of my favorite bands, btw) that I love called Love is Here. Its so beautiful, and, in my opinion, corresponds really well with this verse. I hope these lyrics are as encouraging to you as they are to me!

Love is Here -- Tenth Avenue North

Come to the waters, you who thirst and you'll thirst no more.
Come to the father, you who work and you'll work no more.
And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed:

Love is here.
Love is now.
Love is pouring from
His hands, from his brows.
Love is near, it satisfies.
Streams of mercy flowing from his side.
Cuz love is here.

Come to the treasure, you who search and you'll search no more.
Come to the lover you who want and you'll want no more, no.
And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed,Yeah:

Love is here.
Love is now.
Love is pouring from his hands, from his brows.
Love is near, it satisfies.
Streams of mercy flowing from his side.
Yeah

And to the bruised and fallen,
Captives, bound, and broken hearted.
He is the lord
He is the lord,
Yeah
By his stripes he's paid our ransom
From his wounds we drink salvation
He is the lord
He is the lord

Love is here.
Love is now.
Love is pouring from his hands, from his brows.
Love is near,
It satisfies.
Streams of mercy flowing from his side.

Love is here.

Relationship Status: Holding out for THE relationship

Lately, relationships have been on my mind. A lot. It seems that everywhere I turn, I see one sickeningly happy couple after another. Its these times when my relationship status of single becomes blatantly unpleasant. I want someone to love me, to do sweet things for me, to tell me I'm beautiful! Then it occurs to me: these relationships I'm seeing? They're sweet and innocent and wonderful. But they're high school relationships that will, in all brutal honesty, probably go no where. I don't want that. So what do I want? I want the right relationship.

In Song of Songs, the author paints a beautiful picture of a young couple who is in love. Some people see this passage as an example of God's love to us, while others see it as an example of the kind of relationship that God wants FOR us. Reading this book (its very short, after all) reminds me of what God has for me. So many relationships are based on convenience, attraction, or even sex. These relationships are not what God wants for us. God is so romantic! In His Word, He talks about how, in marriage, the man and woman become one flesh. In Song of Songs, the lover and the beloved are helplessly devoted to each other AND to having a righteous relationship that God would approve of. THAT is what I want. I don't just want A relationship, I want THE relationship. I want to save my heart for the man God is preparing for me. Sometimes I doubt that there will ever even be such a guy. I won't pretend I never struggle with keeping my heart for God only. But God knows my heart, and He knows what a romantic I am. He will provide.

As hard as it is for me to see my ex wrapped around his new girlfriend, or my best friend perfectly in love with her wonderful boyfriend, I have to remind myself that God will bring me the right man at the right time. Someone who will appreciate me. Someone patient enough to put up with all of my randomness. Someone who will love God first and then me. Someone who will pursue God and, in the process, find me. This is what I'm praying for. I have a cross-shaped purity ring that I wear on my wedding ring finger (the fourth finger of my left hand). This ring reminds me of the man that God is preparing for me and that, until the ring of the right guy takes its place on that finger, my heart belongs to Christ. It is hard. Very hard. I won't deny that there are guys I have had feelings for, even loved. I'm a teenage girl, for crying out loud! But I have to remember, as do we all, that God will come through for us! Take heart, fellow hormone-riddled teens! All is well.

I encourage you to join me in a new...mission. Starting today, I am going to begin to pray daily for my future husband. Every day I will pray for him (though I do not know who he is) and pray that God works in his heart and blesses him.


On a side note, I feel somewhat like Snow White. "Some day my prince will come..fa la la.." :)

I'm out. Time to go dance at the basketball game. Go Panthers!

Devon

Today, I am tired.

I wanted to post something expressive and intellectual that would fully encompass everything I've been thinking and feeling today. But, at the moment, I'm having a hard time keeping my thoughts coherent. And I have a headache. But the one point I did want to get across today was that I have just realized that I am really selfish. Today, I've been thinking a lot about all the time I spend thinking about myself (like now, for instance) and its just ridiculous. There is just so much out there in the world. So much to learn, to see, to do. And I spend all my time curled up on my couch reading books and posting blogs about myself. It seems idiotic to me. And lazy, honestly. Getting off my comfy couch and out into the world takes effort for an introvert like myself. I'd rather just stay home. But I've got to get over that! I want to be well versed in..well, everything! I want to travel and read and meet people and help others and make a difference! The world is so big, and I want to see it all. I'm so focused on keeping on my little scheduled track that I feel like I'm going to miss out on the rest of the world! I guess I'm just feeling overwhelmed. The world seems so big and I feel so..small. I'm just one little girl in this HUGE universe. My problems really can't be as significant as I make them. I'm sorry if this seems random (who am I apologizing to? no one reads this blog. :] ) but I'm tired and frustrated. My thoughts are jumbled up worse than the little number balls in a bingo machine. Anyway, that's what is on my mind today.

The end.

Let The Waters Rise

Hey guys.

So the past few months have been really rough for me. Honestly, I completely forgot I even made this blog this summer. Now that I've rediscovered it, however, I fully intend to use it every day. As for today, it's 11:30 PM in chilly, chilly Texas, and I'm tired. But before I pass out for the evening, I wanted to share this song with you. Its called "Let The Waters Rise". KLTY has been playing it a lot lately, and I've absolutely fallen in love with it. It summarizes everything that's been going on in my crazy, mixed up, hormone riddled life lately, and I love it.

Let The Waters Rise - Mikeschair

Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?
Sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
'Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach
God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You

I just love this. With the anxiety/trichotillomania I struggle with, I am constanty feeling overwhelmed. God is so patient with me. He is forever reminding me to just trust Him. I love Exodus 14:14 (isn't it cool how God knows how awful I am with numbers, and it just so happens that all my favorite verses are easy to remember? Habakkuk 2:3, 1 Peter 5:6-7, Exodus 14:14, etc.?!?!) which says, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." *Deep breath*. Okay, God. This is in your hands. Everything we struggle with as little humans, God cares about. The stupid boys who make me so frustrated, the snooty girls and their ultra-skinny bodies that just make me so..ashamed. The frustrations I feel with my own inadequacies, the pressures from others to be the kind of girl society says I should be. The hopelessness I feel when I think about relationships and love, the lonliness of nights when my best friend and I are fighting. The ache in my muscles from dance, the impatience I feel when people walk too slowly in the hallways. ALL OF IT! God cares. Really, truly cares, about the minutia in my life. So wonderful.

Anyways, that's my semi-coherent rant for the evening. Rest well, friends!


Devon

Who are you to tell me that I'm less than what I should be?

I am one of the hundreds of thousands of girls who struggle with self esteem and self image. Did you know that on average, a teenage girl sees over 400 advertisements PER DAY that suggest, however subtly, that a girl must have a certain 'look' or 'image' to be considered beautiful? That's just ridiculous! Why is it that in order to be 'pretty' one must be thin, with perfect teeth, piercing eyes, and long, flowing hair? Surely those attributes ARE beautiful, but why on earth should they be the ONLY ones that are? I am so very, very tired of the media projecting this idea to teens [guys and girls, though the guys don't have as much emphasis put on appearances] that they need to be a certain way in order to be accepted, to be beautiful. The Bible says that beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. If only that were still an accepted idea!

Weight is the most contested factor among people today. Is fat beautiful? Do I need to lose 10 pounds? Do these jeans make my butt look big? And why is that? Because the media tells us that we should be 5'7'' and 120 lbs. in order to be pretty. Shows on TV like How to Look Good Naked, The Biggest Loser, Dance Your Ass Off, More To Love (the Bachelorette for 'fat' people), etc., suggest to us that we have to be skinny to be acceptable! These kind of shows also create a gap between people who are "skinny" and "fat". They suggest that women with more to love have to have their own version of The Bachelorette because they aren't in the same category as thin women and don't have any business being with the men who are paired with the thin women. It just infuriates me that women walk around feeling as though they are not beautiful, simply because they do not have 'the look'. Read Song of Solomon. Our Father sculpted and molded every single part of our bodies. He looks at us and sees a beautiful creation that he is PROUD of. Think about the thing in your life that you are most proud of. That thing that you look at and think, "Wow. I MADE that. I did that! It is so cool!" THAT is how your Father feels when he looks at you. He takes pride in who you are AND what you look like, because he designed it himself. The creator of the universe DESIGNED YOU. Who is society to tell you that His design isn't good enough or that His design for someone else is better? The Lord made each person different. To some he gave thinner bodies, to others, he gave 'more to love'. To some he gave piercing, blue eyes, and to others, soft brown. We are all different, and THAT is beautiful. Why on earth would we want to look the same? In HIS eyes, we have beauty beyond compare. Who is society to contest GOD and tell us we need to change ourselves in order to be beautiful? I would much rather be beautiful to God than to society.

BarlowGirl said it well in their song, Mirror:

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am.
I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect.
So sorry, you won't define me.
Sorry, you don't own me.

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, I won't try.

Mirror I am seeing a new reflection.
I'm looking into the eyes of
He who made me.
And to Him I have beauty beyond compare.
I know He defines me.

You don't define me, you don't define me.

Panic! Oh, wait. Don't.

Good morning, readers!

Last night was a really difficult one for me. Currently, I'm dealing with the loss of a friendship. One of my closest friends hasn't spoken a word to me in over a month. Seeing him for the first time in a while at church last night was, consequently, really hard on me. I was so caught up in "Why haven't we talked at all? Did I do something wrong? Maybe I'm really annoying.." that I started into my default mode: panic. I was so worried that it took my best friend (who is incredible, my total other half) reminding me to pray before I realized, "Oh! Why am I worrying? God is going to take care of me!" How sad. I struggle with anxiety, and I often find my attacks distracting me to the point that I forget I have a God who will work everything out for "the good of those who love Him" [Romans 8:28]. Its times like that when I have to force myself to slow down and think, "Okay. Devon, shut up. God is going to handle this. You don't have to worry. In fact, he says not to! 'Do not be anxious about anything' [Phil. 4:6] 'Cast all your anxieties on Him' [1 Peter 5:7]." Wow. So why do we worry? At least for me, I think those anxiety attacks are a form of "spiritual warfare". My pastor, David Daniels, recently preached an excellent sermon series on this topic, and defined spiritual warfare as "any conflict or challenge that threatens my confidence in who God is and what God is doing and tempts me to think, feel or act in an ungodly way." Absolutely! When I have those attacks, it's like I forget that God is working on my behalf. That is spiritual warfare! I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. Just a few weeks ago, in fact, when I was speaking to a youth group in Galveston during a worship service, I mentioned my struggle with anxiety and a young woman in the back raised her hand and said, "Amen!" It's good to know I'm not alone. Of course, I never am. My Abba Father is with me at all times. Anyways, reminders to myself and to those of you who share my struggle:

1. Trust God! One of my favorite verses lately has been 1 Peter 5:6-7, which says, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." Seems like it's easier said than done, yeah? It really is that simple. Our Father cares for us and (though we don't deserve it) cares about our problems. Psalm 34:17 says, "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their trouble." We have a God who is mighty to save! He will deliver.

2. Take a deep breath. Present your request to God. Surrender control (which is something that I struggle really, really hard with) and let Him direct your course. I promise, it will turn out so much better than any course you could pick for yourself.




I started writing this blog intending to take it in a completely different direction than it actually ended up taking. Oh well. I hope that these words can be an encouragement to you, as well as serve as a reminder to myself! One thing I had intended to share, however, was Psalm 33. It is definitely one of my all time favorite Psalms, and as I was searching for some words of comfort, Biblegateway (lame way to look up a verse, but really helpful when you can't remember which one of the 150 Psalms your'e looking for) directed me to this one. I hadn't read it in a while, but each time I read it I fall more and more in love with it! I encourage you all to read it and take delight in the greatness of God! Sing a new song!

Psalm 33
1 Sing joyfully to the LORD, you righteous;
it is fitting for the upright to praise him.
2 Praise the LORD with the harp;
make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
3 Sing to him a new song;
play skillfully, and shout for joy.
4 For the word of the LORD is right and true;
he is faithful in all he does.
5 The LORD loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of his unfailing love.
6 By the word of the LORD were the heavens made,
their starry host by the breath of his mouth.
7 He gathers the waters of the sea into jars;
he puts the deep into storehouses.
8 Let all the earth fear the LORD;
let all the people of the world revere him.
9 For he spoke, and it came to be;
he commanded, and it stood firm.
10 The LORD foils the plans of the nations;
he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
11 But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations.
12 Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD,
the people he chose for his inheritance.
13 From heaven the LORD looks down
and sees all mankind;
14 from his dwelling place he watches
all who live on earth-
15 he who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do.
16 No king is saved by the size of his army;
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
17 A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
despite all its great strength it cannot save.
18 But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
19 to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.
20 We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
21 In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
22 May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.